a big weekend

It was a big weekend, in ways large and small. Sure, the turning of the calendar, and the holiday residue and all that, but more than that. Nothing typical that you can point a finger at in a traditional sense like "whoa dude, that was a killer party man...", but it's like that overlarge bite of food or meal that kind of sticks at the top of your stomach and you know it's going to go down, and it's going to be healthy and nutritious eventually, but you can't force it. In it's own time it will do it's thing, but in the meantime, you know it will take a while to process.

Had some significant conversations and non-conversations with friend(s) that, after the proper application of context and history, seem newly formative. Understanding boundaries of what current events are shared safely and what is not safe to trust and to share. Don't misunderstand me, it's not that I'm feeling overly vulnerable or fragile, but more that it's important that it's two-way, and a conversation is a dialog (not the mono- version). When what you have to say seems to just hit a featureless surface and then thud, with echoes of non-understanding or non-acceptance or intolerance, what's really the point of it? It's like pulling teeth, and why take the time to explain yourself when a disapproving response has no meaningful details other than to be disapproving? "It is what it is. Fuck it... and move on. Spend your energy where it won't feel like a total waste of time trying to push a rope." He says to himself... I'm getting angrier with every sentence, so I'll just stop right.... there.

Neither child, nor adult.

Among the things I'm unfamiliar with, the boundaries of childhood and adulthood can be counted among them, but not for the usual reasons. Is it that I am more like one, the other, both, or neither? Today I went on my first guardianship investigation trip (a volunteer program through the Washtenaw County court system to periodically check in on the health and welfare of children/elderly/disabled that are wards of the court). While I know that my conversation skills with children isn't well developed, it seems that I'm also unacquainted with the conversation skills of adult non-academic professionals that are not engineers/businesspeople - in this example it's lawyers, social workers, etc. I kinda felt a little lost and uncomfortable for a bit, and it was weird. Maybe I just approach "serious life issues" with either complete aplomb or heightened tension (this would be my all-or-nothing approach to so many things), and the idea of calm pseudo-non-chalance in the face of health-and-welfare issues, (while maintaining vigilance I might add) is sort of an interesting trick that I don't quite know yet.

It's a lovely segue some of the other childhood/adulthood identification pet peeves of mine. Chip on my shoulder and opportunity to rant? You bet:

Why is it that somehow because I haven't married, bred children, or bought real estate that I'm somehow considered a non-adult? It's nothing overt, it's just that good ole "when you've lived as long/had the same experiences/had to go through what I've had to, you'll understand." holier-than-thou shit that bugs me.

Responsibility as a parent... what, you mean getting your girlfriend knocked up at 22? (a case where a history of safe sex is retroactively held against me) Or do you mean marrying someone out of familial pressure, or chronological pressure, or inability to live a life of your own? (a case where strong sense of self is held against me) Or that your incessant financial pressure is because you're in debt up to your eyeballs because you don't have a clue about the idea of saving for the future or spending less than your income, or other forms of consumer self-restraint? (a case where my sane financial choices is held against me.)

Don't worry, this isn't some sort of persecution complex shining through. This is just me having a moment. Bear with me, it'll pass...

oh.... fuck. not this again...

I've been feeling a little sickish the past week - nothing terrible, just coughing, chest congestion, a little bit of sinus congestion. It seemed to be clearing up today, even so much that I was thinking about making social plans for the weekend. And then, just 15 minutes ago, I felt an itch. On my wrist.

And now I'm worried.

You see, this has happened a few times before... where in November/December (right around Thanksgiving-ish) it starts with itchy arms - I'd get hives on the inside of my forearms. Every day they would go away for half the day, and every day they would come back. One year they would build up during the day and clear up over night, the other year they would come in the evening and start to clear out when I woke up. Either way, it starts on the arms... then legs... then back, neck, face, etc. That puffy eyelid, wide-looking nose, and red blotches you see ain't because of waking up from a nap...



Two years ago, it kept getting worse, and after 4-5 days, they were appearing on my face and lips. When I looked up articles online it said that if they appear on the lips or tongue, that's a danger sign to warn of airway constriction and anaphylaxis. The next night as it got worse and my throat was bothering me, I drove myself to the emergency room. Ever thought you were ignored in the ER and told to wait? Next time try telling them you have hives on your lips and your throat is bothering you - that gets you rushed inside, 2 IVs, and LOTS of attention to make sure you don't die on them. Oh yeah, and having a camera shoved up your nose and down your throat is no fun either.

------ not-so-minor side-trip here -------
So here's the freakout moment of the day... as I'm writing this, I'm thinking intensely about my bodily status. How do I feel? Itching? More? Less? How's my throat feel? And maybe because I've been trying ignore the discomfort of coughing, I suddenly am aware of how raw my throat feels. Is it tight or just sore from coughing for the past three days? Is it getting tighter? Holy Shit... is this real or am I just freaking out? Suddenly, I'm wondering where my Epi-Pen is. Upstairs to the bathroom, rummaging around in the drawers, getting a little more worried, hyper every second... "I'm not like this, really," I say to myself, "I don't freak out. I'm not the panic-ey type. No, not me." But the idea of dying of anaphylaxis alone in my apartment with no one to discover my body for days would be really pathetic, and if I'm motivated by anything, I'm motivated by the desire to avoid being pathetic. At least I can take some Benadryl... slow acting, but better than nothing while I look for the Epi-Pen. A little worried, hands shaking as I try to pry the little capsules out of the blister pack. (No matter what the packaging is, the more in a hurry you are, the more impenetrable they are, and the frustration and a little sweating now doesn't help.) Sip water, and down with the Benadryl. Fuck, where is the epi injector? I know I had it with me in Utah... oh, is it in my backpacking first aid kit? No. Shit. Travel toiletries? No. Shit. wherewherewhere... backup travel shaving kit? No. But I found the old expired Epi-Pen, so at least that's something. Downstairs to the storage area, rummage through my backpacking gear to find the fresh Epi-Pen, and I suddenly don't mind the fact that my health insurance didn't cover jack shit and it cost me $120 out of pocket.
------ not-so-minor side-trip ends -------

I don't know if the Benadryl is kicking in, or if just knowing that I have the epi injector calmed me down, but I'm feeling much better right now. It did get me thinking though... do I know any of my neighbors and if they know CPR? If I found myself unable to breathe, what would I do? call 911, sure, but they would never get here in time. Suffice it to say that I'll be carrying the Epi-Pen with me for the next few weeks.

Back to the non-threatening, non-ER side of this - after the emergency room trip three years ago, I haven't had any problems. I went for an allergy screening afterwards, and everything was negative (indoor/outdoor/food/whatever). My environment hasn't changed, and besides... I've had these flare-ups even when I lived other places, over the past 10 years. Seems to always be in Nov. though. After the UMich hospital found out that they has screwed up the allergy screening (old allergens/lab mistake, something like that) they invited me back for a free comprehensive re-screening (40 different allergens tested this time), and STILL they didn't find anything that I'm allergic to.

So it's still a mystery. I just hope this damn thing doesn't come back again this year, because going through all the stupid gyrations to eventually find out nothing sure was aggravating. And cost money, too. I should have at least gotten something out of it better than "Well, we don't know what it is, but be sure to keep an eye out for things that might be causing it. Keep your Epi-Pen handy, and good luck." Fucking quacks.

Everything I Really Need To Know I Learned In A Pool Hall

I've got a cue in my hands again these days, and as I get comfortable at the table, I always have to go through the range of old memories, thoughts and such to get back into the groove, the right mind-set. It's a periodic thing where the first few times reminds me of all the other times and I need to dispel, among other things: days of presumed arrogance, the ghosts of pool people I've known but who've disappeared from my life (Erin, Johnny, other random hauntings...), depressing losses at the table, and failures ignored by wasting time in a hall. And every time I come back to the table after taking time off, I have to dust off these old memories. Run through them one more time as I warm my mind up back into the roll of things. Before I can start to make progress again, I have to go through and remember where I've been before. Only after that am I able stop reminiscing so much and start making balls and winning games.

All this, just to bring you to one idea that I swear I'm going to actually do some day. Along the lines of the famous book, I will bring you Everything I Really Need To Know I Learned In A Pool Hall - microcosms representing real-life lessons. Concepts to be explored:

• You must be present in the moment
• There is no past or future, there is no escape - you must deal with what is here right in front of you
• You cannot deny the Reality of Things
• If the shot is not going to get past the corner of the side pocket, it's not going to go - wishing it won't make it happen, and ignoring reality leads to harsh reality-checks.
• Likewise, ignoring bad credit/obesity and spending like a moron/eating like a glutton, while wishing for a miracle fix won't improve your credit/waistline.
• Nothing matters, only Results
• "There is no second place, only the first loser"
• In a complex situation, context matters - who cares about the battle... Win the War.
• Everything matters, not just Results
• Complexity? Contradictions? Puzzles? Deception? Yes, there are, and the fool ignores them at their peril.
• Keep Your Eyes on the Prize
• Ignore your regard for your opponent's appearance. Whether they be suave high-roller or greasy redneck, you never know when someone might be putting on airs or laying low.
• Don't be lulled into a false sense of security. Do what you came to do.

just in time for the holidays

The seasons roll on, and the notions come 'round in a predictable cycle. A wonder it's taken this long to notice the pattern: the leaves fall, the goes cold, and not long before Thanskgiving... "The Lull". When a numb stillness falls around my head, nothing really seems interesting, let along exciting. Content in my sitting about, am I. But then like the proverbial fog lifting, right during Thanksgiving week, the stores of mental fat are released and everything in the world is new and fascinating again. I notice this mostly because ON Thanksgiving, it becomes most obvious - there's a million things I want to do, places to see, and nothing is open. My jonesing for art, beauty, billiards, academia, ... it returns all at once. But desire is greater than capacity, and can never be properly fulfilled. Days, weeks... time.. passes, and like the drunk swerving around the deer in the road, I find myself overcorrected and suddenly on the other side of the balance - disappointment about fulfilling desire - a sense of overcapacity with nowhere to spend it that energy. By then: schedules past, opportunity wasted, memories made, and the feedback loop damps the signal to it's setpoint - a stable point, but a quiet middling mediocre blah.