oh.... fuck. not this again...

I've been feeling a little sickish the past week - nothing terrible, just coughing, chest congestion, a little bit of sinus congestion. It seemed to be clearing up today, even so much that I was thinking about making social plans for the weekend. And then, just 15 minutes ago, I felt an itch. On my wrist.

And now I'm worried.

You see, this has happened a few times before... where in November/December (right around Thanksgiving-ish) it starts with itchy arms - I'd get hives on the inside of my forearms. Every day they would go away for half the day, and every day they would come back. One year they would build up during the day and clear up over night, the other year they would come in the evening and start to clear out when I woke up. Either way, it starts on the arms... then legs... then back, neck, face, etc. That puffy eyelid, wide-looking nose, and red blotches you see ain't because of waking up from a nap...



Two years ago, it kept getting worse, and after 4-5 days, they were appearing on my face and lips. When I looked up articles online it said that if they appear on the lips or tongue, that's a danger sign to warn of airway constriction and anaphylaxis. The next night as it got worse and my throat was bothering me, I drove myself to the emergency room. Ever thought you were ignored in the ER and told to wait? Next time try telling them you have hives on your lips and your throat is bothering you - that gets you rushed inside, 2 IVs, and LOTS of attention to make sure you don't die on them. Oh yeah, and having a camera shoved up your nose and down your throat is no fun either.

------ not-so-minor side-trip here -------
So here's the freakout moment of the day... as I'm writing this, I'm thinking intensely about my bodily status. How do I feel? Itching? More? Less? How's my throat feel? And maybe because I've been trying ignore the discomfort of coughing, I suddenly am aware of how raw my throat feels. Is it tight or just sore from coughing for the past three days? Is it getting tighter? Holy Shit... is this real or am I just freaking out? Suddenly, I'm wondering where my Epi-Pen is. Upstairs to the bathroom, rummaging around in the drawers, getting a little more worried, hyper every second... "I'm not like this, really," I say to myself, "I don't freak out. I'm not the panic-ey type. No, not me." But the idea of dying of anaphylaxis alone in my apartment with no one to discover my body for days would be really pathetic, and if I'm motivated by anything, I'm motivated by the desire to avoid being pathetic. At least I can take some Benadryl... slow acting, but better than nothing while I look for the Epi-Pen. A little worried, hands shaking as I try to pry the little capsules out of the blister pack. (No matter what the packaging is, the more in a hurry you are, the more impenetrable they are, and the frustration and a little sweating now doesn't help.) Sip water, and down with the Benadryl. Fuck, where is the epi injector? I know I had it with me in Utah... oh, is it in my backpacking first aid kit? No. Shit. Travel toiletries? No. Shit. wherewherewhere... backup travel shaving kit? No. But I found the old expired Epi-Pen, so at least that's something. Downstairs to the storage area, rummage through my backpacking gear to find the fresh Epi-Pen, and I suddenly don't mind the fact that my health insurance didn't cover jack shit and it cost me $120 out of pocket.
------ not-so-minor side-trip ends -------

I don't know if the Benadryl is kicking in, or if just knowing that I have the epi injector calmed me down, but I'm feeling much better right now. It did get me thinking though... do I know any of my neighbors and if they know CPR? If I found myself unable to breathe, what would I do? call 911, sure, but they would never get here in time. Suffice it to say that I'll be carrying the Epi-Pen with me for the next few weeks.

Back to the non-threatening, non-ER side of this - after the emergency room trip three years ago, I haven't had any problems. I went for an allergy screening afterwards, and everything was negative (indoor/outdoor/food/whatever). My environment hasn't changed, and besides... I've had these flare-ups even when I lived other places, over the past 10 years. Seems to always be in Nov. though. After the UMich hospital found out that they has screwed up the allergy screening (old allergens/lab mistake, something like that) they invited me back for a free comprehensive re-screening (40 different allergens tested this time), and STILL they didn't find anything that I'm allergic to.

So it's still a mystery. I just hope this damn thing doesn't come back again this year, because going through all the stupid gyrations to eventually find out nothing sure was aggravating. And cost money, too. I should have at least gotten something out of it better than "Well, we don't know what it is, but be sure to keep an eye out for things that might be causing it. Keep your Epi-Pen handy, and good luck." Fucking quacks.

because it needed killin'

As I found myself flipping channels, I finally decided "enough is enough". If I can't control my own behavior on this, I'll just have to work around my own weakness. Take myself out of the loop, as it were.

BEFORE:

... and AFTER:

Shadow Art Fair

Went to Shadow Art Fair today at Corner Brewery in Ypsi... saw some nifty stuff, and bought a little too. It was pretty chock full of people at the fair, but I heard that Friday was ridiculous busy - as in how-many-people-can-fit-in-this-building full.

Stuff I liked...

Miranda Tarrow's "Circus Peanuts" (which now hangs on my wall)

...and there's just something about "A Half-Sucked Egg" (Miranda Tarrow & Howard Forbes) that I really like. Didn't buy the work, but got the postcard...


Chris Sandon, a part of Dirty Bros. had some alluring/disturbing work available, and lastly, I think I'm going to get all my greeting cards from SappyCards from now on.

the problem, as I see it

Today was yet another disappointing sandwich at Zingerman's. I'm pretty far up on my high horse, and this is the last time I will rant about it. But I'm going all-out, with graphic assistance and everything.

Zingerman's Deli, as I've heard it described: "good food, mediocre service, mercenary prices" has a problem in their sandwich department. For the past 10 years, as the prices have increased 40% (the $13 sandwich of today is exactly the same as what you used to get for $9), they STILL can't get sandwich assembly right.

Take Exhibit #1:


Sure, the ingredients are tasty, but the softball-shaped blob of meat in the middle of the sandwich? It's impossible to manage without it sliding out the maw of the bread with the coleslaw or mayo or mustard greasing the way. Needless to say, that after negotiating this sliced-meat speedbump, you're left with plenty of meatless bread.

Not only the flavor, but the texture of the sandwich is uneven. When you have a ham and cheese, do you want a bite of ham and then a bite of cheese? No. You want a bite of ham AND cheese at the same time. And before you respond "oh, you're just being picky... quit whining and just enjoy the food" - well, with the hype that Zingerman's puts out there, and the ridiculous prices they are charging, one would reasonably expect to get an Exceptional Sandwich, not an exercise in aggravation.

Are you hearing this Ari? Probably not. Chances are that you don't give a shit because you're too busy stacking up all the cash you're making off of these disappointments of meat on bread. When you can fix "the sandwich problem" I'll come back, but until then, you've lost my business.

random notable stuff :
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Non-Thanksgiving food note: ever tried Peppadews? Next time you're in a grocery store, have a look and see if they have an olive bar/antipasto selection. Not hot at all - pickled and sweet. Almost like the gherkin of the pepper family - give 'em a try.
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Mobile PET/CT/MRI facilities? How cool is that? Take a gagillion dollar device based on anti-matter (you know, positrons) and put it on a trailer so that it can be taken to places that can't afford to have one installed.

Thanksgiving "did you know... ?"

The standard Thanksgiving turkey, the flagship product of Butterball - the "large-breasted white" is a turkey which, through breeding, has produced an animal which has such a large breast and such short legs that it is no longer able to reproduce naturally and must be artificially inseminated. The turkeys are too fat and pudgy to fuck.

Isn't that sad for the turkeys? (aside from the notion that they are born with the sole purpose of becoming a centerpiece of holiday gluttony) At least that means that if ever there's a genetically modified version getting loose, it won't be able to take over the world. Likewise, extreme disabling obesity among humans should prevent the propogation of that as a genetic trait if IVF ever disappears from our skill set... Then again, if we enter a Brave New World and are synthetically produced, that might be a problem for our own breed.

Everything I Really Need To Know I Learned In A Pool Hall

I've got a cue in my hands again these days, and as I get comfortable at the table, I always have to go through the range of old memories, thoughts and such to get back into the groove, the right mind-set. It's a periodic thing where the first few times reminds me of all the other times and I need to dispel, among other things: days of presumed arrogance, the ghosts of pool people I've known but who've disappeared from my life (Erin, Johnny, other random hauntings...), depressing losses at the table, and failures ignored by wasting time in a hall. And every time I come back to the table after taking time off, I have to dust off these old memories. Run through them one more time as I warm my mind up back into the roll of things. Before I can start to make progress again, I have to go through and remember where I've been before. Only after that am I able stop reminiscing so much and start making balls and winning games.

All this, just to bring you to one idea that I swear I'm going to actually do some day. Along the lines of the famous book, I will bring you Everything I Really Need To Know I Learned In A Pool Hall - microcosms representing real-life lessons. Concepts to be explored:

• You must be present in the moment
• There is no past or future, there is no escape - you must deal with what is here right in front of you
• You cannot deny the Reality of Things
• If the shot is not going to get past the corner of the side pocket, it's not going to go - wishing it won't make it happen, and ignoring reality leads to harsh reality-checks.
• Likewise, ignoring bad credit/obesity and spending like a moron/eating like a glutton, while wishing for a miracle fix won't improve your credit/waistline.
• Nothing matters, only Results
• "There is no second place, only the first loser"
• In a complex situation, context matters - who cares about the battle... Win the War.
• Everything matters, not just Results
• Complexity? Contradictions? Puzzles? Deception? Yes, there are, and the fool ignores them at their peril.
• Keep Your Eyes on the Prize
• Ignore your regard for your opponent's appearance. Whether they be suave high-roller or greasy redneck, you never know when someone might be putting on airs or laying low.
• Don't be lulled into a false sense of security. Do what you came to do.

One square foot at a time

Seen while riding out to Chicago Critical Mass this past Thanksgiving weekend - a fine way to make your neighborhood a little nicer, one square foot at a time. Wondering if the local constabulary haven't seen, don't care, or even might like such community embellishments. Heck, as vandalism goes, it's the nicest form I can think of.



... and as I sit here in a cafe in Evanston, coffeed to the gills, the random shuffle of music in the headphones turns to some Hüsker Dü, then some fast punk hardcore, and all of a sudden I'm transported back though to memories of high school days. Nostalgia - an indicator of stagnancy, or just a natural temporary condition? Hell, I'm not even that nostalgic - maybe just that it is a thing I can be certain knowing when life these days has so many undecideds, unknownables, unrevealeds, etc.

Of course, it could just be benign annual mid-holiday reminiscing, too.

just in time for the holidays

The seasons roll on, and the notions come 'round in a predictable cycle. A wonder it's taken this long to notice the pattern: the leaves fall, the goes cold, and not long before Thanskgiving... "The Lull". When a numb stillness falls around my head, nothing really seems interesting, let along exciting. Content in my sitting about, am I. But then like the proverbial fog lifting, right during Thanksgiving week, the stores of mental fat are released and everything in the world is new and fascinating again. I notice this mostly because ON Thanksgiving, it becomes most obvious - there's a million things I want to do, places to see, and nothing is open. My jonesing for art, beauty, billiards, academia, ... it returns all at once. But desire is greater than capacity, and can never be properly fulfilled. Days, weeks... time.. passes, and like the drunk swerving around the deer in the road, I find myself overcorrected and suddenly on the other side of the balance - disappointment about fulfilling desire - a sense of overcapacity with nowhere to spend it that energy. By then: schedules past, opportunity wasted, memories made, and the feedback loop damps the signal to it's setpoint - a stable point, but a quiet middling mediocre blah.

between a rock and a... verbose place

After buying groceries at Busch's, I stopped by the new toy store a couple doors down. A small place, packed with games of a learning nature and interactive electronic gaming stations (clearly a business started by child development professionals?). This'd be the same place where I happened to have a lovely time chatting with a really really cute saleswoman with the auburn hair and the blue eyes, and I can honestly say that I was really kind of hoping that I'd happen to run into her again. Alas, no love connection was made tonight, but that wasn't my mission. After getting soundly spanked playing Boggle the other week over at Laura & Pete's, I'm thinking some magnetic poetry might be just the right thing for my ailing brain.

So after I picked up some magnetic poetry, I remembered from summer one of those coolest damn things in garden accessories:
Poetry Stones. How cool is that? Now it CAN be written in stone. Get your deluxe starter kit for only $49.95 . I just wish I had a garden to put them in.

all roads lead to California

It seems like everywhere I turn, California is staring me in the face. I don't know what it is, and maybe this is just a question of "because you think about something, everything else reminds you of it", but it's like Cali is calling. Sure, part of that is weather. Who wants grey skies when there's blue? And sure, housing is expensive (stupid expensive), and there's taxes, and Cali traffic, and... but still - it's close to the Colorado/Kaibab Plateau which I've come to love so much this year, and it's green, and near an ocean, and warm, and all kinds of other cool stuff. I'm not packing to move just quite yet, but it sure looks pretty from here. Maybe a short trip to visit there first.

Babel movie

Saw Babel last night (new movie - the Brad Pitt/KateWinslet movie about connections between people all over the world to a single bullet). Like some of the other work by director Alejandro González Iñárritu (21 Grams, Amores Perros), it definitely is an ambient film. There are characters, plot, setting, and all that, but were it succeeds is more by setting tones than any of the above. The transitions from heartbreaking anguish to moments of sublime tenderness are so smooth you don't even notice... until it goes back to grief. Something of an emotional marathon not unlike 21 Grams. Good visuals, too.

Brad Pitt was unremarkable, and Kate Winslet spent most of the movie half-conscious and bleeding incoherently on-screen, but the less-recognizable actors made up for the deficits. One regret - that there wasn't more resolution to Gael García Bernal's character. I don't know where this guy came from, but ever since Amores Perros and The Motorcycle Diaries,
it seems like he just doesn't ever disappoint. Along the lines of my thoughts on Arcadia Brewing Company and Tim Roth - they just always seem to do no wrong in their work.

more cheating on day 5

ok, I cheated. Here at Panera as I park and take up valuable lunchtime table space with laptop, I cheated and have had a cup of coffee. Not because I was jonesing... just because it's habit. For what it's worth, I'm ok with this, and don't think of it as a fundamental flaw in my character. Make me wonder then - why did I feel compelled to confess it? Ah, me.

coffeeless: day 4 (a little bit cheating, a little bit rock-n-roll)

I'd love to say something profound about this coffee experiment I'm doing on myself - either the agony of withdrawl or the ecstatic clarity of caffeine sobriety. The truth is far more mundane. I haven't noticed much. I still have chunks of time when I'm incredibly distractable from one thing to the next, and with no caffeine.

I'll admit to a little bit of cheating - a couple days ago I grew tired of herbal tea and had a single cup of Irish Breakfast, and I'm having one today too. If that's cheating, then I'll just have to bear the consequences. In the meantime, my coffee grinder is hopefully not getting lonely or bored as it gets a much needed rest this week.

circular shock

Ever have one of those moments - you're in a room by yourself, no one else around, something you see startles you so much you go "wahh!" and then look around to see if anyone saw you do that? (even though there's nobody around)

Today it was the circular connection... starting with a friend's post that lead to another, and then another and another until I'm out on the coast and reading DJMermaid who used to be poly and now isn't (why would that matter? relates to new nifty friends I'll tell you about some other time...) and then there's a cool add-on thingie called iLoupe which turns a digital camera into a portable field microscope, and how cool is that? And I just so happen to HAVE a Canon SD600, so where can I get the rest of the stuff? Oh, it's made by Aven, Inc. ... which just happens to be about 1-2 miles from... well from right here. I've ridden past there a dozen times and have totally meant to go in to check them out... and then here it is, a blog loop (a bloop?) that takes me out 2000 miles and back, right into my own backyard. For some reason it was incredibly shocking, thus... the outburst.

bunny of the moment

What kind of happy bunny are you? My first one was

you are the "I hate you so bad" happy bunny. You hate everyone and eveything and your not ashamed of it.

But that was before I noticed that you can check more than one box at a time... turns out that at the moment I'm a bunny more like:

you are the "you suck, and that's sad" happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit brutal.

coffeeless: day2

So far, so good. Monday was a coffee-free day that went without incident. While I was a little sleepy (more likely due to not sleeping well the night before) and did in fact nap at one point, I'd like to think I was more coherent. Really, I swear, this'll be a good thing for a week... right? I figure the worst thing that could happen on Day 8 is that the sudden infusion of the first cup of coffee will cause my brain to burst and my heart to explode, leaving quivering, jittery blobs of meat, skin, and hair all over the floor.

current lack of attention span

It's really starting to bug me, this lack of attention span I've got going on. It seems that I can't help be distracted by this, that, or the other thing so much that something requiring more than 10 minutes of concentration while sitting in one place is unlikely to happen. (hell, it just happened right there - mind wandering off to the "hmm... where to go hang out this afternoon?")
But you know, I think it has a simple source - the fact that I drink many cups of coffee each day. So in the tried-and-true technique of experimentation on one's self, I think I'll drop the morning pot-o'-coffee for a week. "How about switching to decaf?" nahhh, can't stand the taste. "Maybe reducing intake? Only one cup per day?" I'm not that fond of half-measures.

the guy must burn through a lot of shoes...

A guy who rides messenger(?) in San Francisco on a single-speed with no brakes. No, not a fixed-gear... a freewheel. Uses the Vans as a brake. Go figure.

new addition to the flock

I resolved my paint issues... I went to a local auto body paint joint, picked out a color, and had them do it up... They (Ideal Collision) did a pretty good job (a couple of dirt-type defects and a minor chip), but the $75 price was good and the 3-day turnaround was quick. Of course, I did give it to them stripped and masked, so it's not like it was that difficult to just spray and bake.

Anyway, I got it back from paint on Monday, took it to the local bike shop to have the headset pressed in and got it back on Tuesday. Built it up Tuesday night. Rode it around today and ran some errands just to get miles in the saddle, and I'm just stoked about having it all put together. It's a big/tall bike (standover height), even for me. It definitely rides different than its brothers in the family. I think because the bottom bracket height is almost an inch higher than my roadie bike, and I put a high-ish stem on - feels I'm not stretched out and a little top-heavy, but every bike is a little bit different, no?

It's a commuter, so the lights are going to stay on permanently, and even better - now I have a place for my extra-obnoxious dino-squeaky to warn people that I don't want to hit them when they blunder out into the road.



I'm not really sure about the state of the bullhorn bars right now... I like the hand positions, but integrating brake levers has been a little awkward based on where the bends land. I don't know if I totally like the way it is, and it does smack of the Pretentious Bullhorn Bar wanna-be messenger fixie vibe. But for the moment, it'll do.




The only outstanding thing is a name... I was thinking of an O-name when it was going to be orange (Oscar, Owen, etc.), but since the color turned out more brownish/goldish, "Brian" comes to mind, but other than the brown/brian commonality, I'm completely bored by those names. It's a T-Rex dino-squeaky, right? Maybe he'll just be Rex.