sometimes...

I was over at a friend's house tonight at our weekly board game night with a bunch of folks. Loud, boisterous, fun. A dozen or so adults around, half-dozen kids playing various games, snacks, drinks, board games, friends.

In the middle of a conversation at the board where I'm playing (frankly, I don't remember the conversation, and isn't really important), my friend KO(S) who is playing at the other board turns and punches me on the shoulder 7-8 times. Not that hard, but firmly, and not a gentle mock-punch tap either. If we weren't both big sturdy people like we are, I might have interpreted it as actually hitting "with intent", but we've known each other for a while, neither she nor I are shy about things, and I don't take offense. The thing is, I'm not going to simply accept a half-dozen punches for no apparent reason. And I'm not going to go out and hire a mediator to resolve the conflict for us. We're both adults.

So in that moment I count the punches, turn and say "that was 7" and then audibly count out as I return the punches to her shoulder 7 times, in exactly the force which they were thrown at my arm. The room gets quiet. KO(S) pauses, and then hits me 8 more times. I count her punches out loud, and then turn back and give the exact same thing right back to her. At this point, the punching is over for the evening.

But that moment... the quiet. That's what's on my mind. Not because I doubted what I or she were doing, but how fucked up people's perceptions can be. So fucked up by bumper stickers and rhetoric that they are unable to judge for themselves what something is or isn't.

I'm curious about the silence happened when I threw a punch and not when she threw the first punch at me. Is it because "there's no excuse for violence against women"? It better not be. First: that statement is rhetoric that doesn't apply to this situation. Second: it wasn't violence. Third: I'm 6'3", about 210 lbs - she's 6', 200 lbs. We're similar size and neither of us was winding up... it was fairly clear the even if it was enthusiastic, it was "play fighting".

So again, I say - what is it about the shock of me punching her back? Why is it that her husband felt compelled to walk over and pretend-punch me in the face because of the perception that my response was wrong because the "assault" on me was from a woman?

It's because rhetoric has such a powerful hold over us. Market to us, sloganeer at us, poll us... we'll say back to you what you want us to say.

And ultimately, it's the lack of context. Thinking critically (and no, I don't mean a formal definition of "critical thinking", rather, a mundane, yet far more important one) matter all the time.

"Question Authority" ... oh really? Does that include the soapbox upon which the bumper sticker is metaphorically standing? "Love is never wrong" ? Are you so sure about that? Sometimes, love can be really wrong. Ask your local police department for a list of domestic violence responses.

"Well - that's not love, that's the confusion of a co-dependent abusive relationship."

"So, you mean just 'healthy' love then... are you putting any restrictions on that?"

"Naw... it's cool. 'Celebrate diversity' and all that..."

"Uhm... really? Do you really mean that?"

"Oh, sure, I'm down with alternative lifestyles. "


"Uh... well, ok."


Context matters. Don't assume that your assumptions are the same as everyone else's assumptions.

What is violence to you is not the same as what is violence to her. What love is to you is not the same what love is to him. Authority is only that which you accept (or cannot refuse). Bumper stickers will not guide you through your life on their own.