inability to disengage

Friendships, complexity, and conversational moments out of their original context, along with my critical nature, tendency to over-analyze, and penchant for rage-filled fantasy have conspired to lock me in an uncontrolled self-sustaining slide down the mental highway of my Monday night.

Yes, I talk in metaphor. Yes, it's code. No, it's not for you necessarily to understand. Yes, I just need to get this out of my head somehow. Yes, I've tried other things that haven't worked. No, it's not about you. (well, not likely to be about you. And no, I won't confirm or deny whether it actually is you or not.)

I can't get my head disengaged from this irrational anger and rage-filled fantasy. I'm trying to find a solution to what would normally be "just" a disagreement, or a difference of opinion, or an incompatability of personalities. If I didn't have years invested in what I THOUGHT was an actual friendship, I'd find it much easier to just chalk it up to another waste of a human being and cut my losses and walk away (potentially after some sort of public spectacle or angry outburst involving the throwing of glassware, slamming of tables, or destruction of furniture).

The problem is that a simple straightforward conflict is a losing proposition here. Passive-aggressive manipulators thrive on that kind of shit (and that's at least 1/3 of the issue), so responding with honest thought/emotion is pointless. And passive-aggressive manipulators have always been the most despised people to me. Like salesmen and other frauds, they have only their own gain in mind, and don't seem to see or care about what they're doing/saying. I can only imagine that the best-intentioned of them (and potentially forgivable, given time) simply don't understand what they're saying/doing. The worst of them are cruel pricks who, if they aren't exceedingly careful, will one day make a mistake where someone with less self-restraint than I takes their bullshit very very personally.

Maybe I've been watching too much of The Sopranos the past couple of days... the notion of making problems simply... disappear... through physical action seems to be the fantasy trump card on mind games of betrayal. Nobody can play mind games on Tony Soprano after they've been introduced to the business end of a wood chipper, right? Yes, this is only fantasy. It's only TV. But when desire for solution meets intractable problem, that's when the weird spurs of thought start to draw in fantastical elements... what would happen if I actually started throwing glassware? How would that conversation end? What if instead I just walked out and severed that connection, never speaking or listening again, giving only silence forever after?

The problem is, that's not my style. Direct. Head-on. Right here, deal with this now, while I'm standing here. Not behind my back or with the cover of your friends in public. I'm standing here and can say what I think, even when there's no cheering section... where's YOUR backbone? You're just another mealy-mouthed pussy. Cajole someone in private, but mock them in public? Here's hoping your karma gets you gang-raped by roving bands of post-apocalyptic mutant lepers, you sick fuck.